(Narrated by a booming voice with an English accent – preferably Sean Connery, Bill Nighy, Hugh Grant, Hugh jackman, Hugh Hefner or any other famous Hughs. Saucy, a bit naughty, but gets the job done.)
(By the way, Hugh Jackman is actually Australian, but he’ll do. And Hugh Hefner’s not English, but he’s old and famous. Filthy rich too…)
(Oh, and Sean’s Scottish!)
we hereby presents THE METAPHOR THAT BUILT THE UNIVERSE!!!
Everyone agreed that there is meaning to every single thing created in existence. Everyone agreed that there is purpose. Even irony (irony is fun. I love irony!). So I’ll say that it should be fitting that existence was also built upon metaphors.
From the very beginning of time man has tried ever so fiercely to create order and suppress chaos. Man tried to make order – they claimed – so life can be understood and lived much easier. I’ll say it is ironic that man actually created order simply to SUPPRESS chaos. Nothing more. What’s more ironic is the thin line that constantly exists between order and chaos.
Now:
Who is Adam? (What a moronically easy question, right? WRONG!)
Adam is the first man. Doh! Even a drunken grandma knows that! God created Adam to inhabit His Paradise, because a Paradise without a witness is a Paradise without purpose, because EVERYTHING has purpose. God then created Eve so Adam didn’t have to experience Paradise all by himself. Eve existed so they could argue about the beauty of their celestial Home and learned from each other. Thus came language. Then sex was created. Sex was created so we learn to have fun. But then children were created to get you to understand responsibility in having fun, thus concocting infinite causes and effects which, in time, created condoms.
But WHAT is Adam? (See how the rabbit hole deepens?)
Adam DID exist. So did Eve. I believed it. But once in a while you come to the realization that this is just another form of order man tried to put upon mankind. Faith put aside, Adam is basically a concept. An idea. A metaphor. Here’s the skinny, gang: EVERYONE IS ADAM TO HIS/HER DESCENDANTS. EVERYTHING HAS A BEGINNING, AND OUR PARENTS IS OUR BEGINNING. Who created you? God? Yes. Now put aside your faith and think again. WHO CREATED YOU?
Again, everything that was created has a purpose and, again, the basic purpose of everything created is to put order to chaos. Communication is a form of order, which later evolved into Language; a higher form of order. The food chain is another. Love is a form of chaos, and man suppresses it with marriage. ‘Kamasutra’ is also a form of order (And to think it was an exciting book!)
Every form of art and science is mankind’s battle to retain order. Man meticulously (and ridiculously) created a name for everything in this universe down to the smallest cracked atom (“Sub-atomic particle”, for example. Sounds cool, huh?). This neverending tingle to name stuff’s like an obsession, you know? More like POSSESSED to me…
And then there’s religion. Now, where do religions come from? WHY was it created? Religion was set upon man so order could rein. But I seem to be having trouble witnessing TRUE ORDER, even with religions around. So this idea is a bust! All I can come up with – AGAIN – is that religion (and everything else) was created to SUPPRESS CHAOS.
But I’m not making sense. How can the universe be built upon metaphors? This is RIDICULOUS. Yeah? Well so’s your FACE, man!
So supposedly everything has meaning. Metaphorical meaning. So what’s the meaning of stars? “They represent the height of imagination, which is infinite”.
Why did Cain killed Abel? “Because nobody’s perfect”.
Why is there Sin? “To avoid things from getting dull”.
Why do living things eat? “Because there’s something to be gained from the loss of others”.
Why do our lives revolve around money? “Because everything needs something”.
What’s with war? “Knowledge is power and power is everything, and everything needs something”.
(Are you getting the hang of this yet?)
How about the metaphorical meaning of death? “So you don’t wander aimlessly in life”.
The deal behind men and women? “To drill into your thick skull that there’s TWO SIDES to everything”.
Why do I have to get married? “Because if you don’t you’ll disturb the space-time fucking continuum”…
Get real, man. You have imagination. USE IT to suppress chaos, but use it also to QUESTION order. Without our so-called order, mankind would perish. But without imagination, mankind would NEVER BE. Without imagination we would’ve been stuck with Adam. No Eve (thus no missing set of ribs). No Apple of Knowledge sold by a crafty Lucifer appropriately dressed as a snake (the FIRST salesman, ladies and gents!). No Earth. No fish. No T-Rex. No women flinging clubs and running around naked. No wheels. No dolphins. No Peewee Herman. No museums. No flash sticks. No barbecue sauce. No tattooes and piercings. No Friendster. No 108” plasma teevee. No chicken and egg joke. No women flinging cellphones and running around naked. No lawyers…
You know what? Maybe we’re better off without imagination… Go ahead and be boring, that’s the cool way to live… It’ll be the height of the 21st century! Maybe we should start a discussion group to find ways to kill imagination! Wait… no… the very IDEA of a discussion group requires imagination, so… I guess we’re doomed…
So I used BIG words. Fine. You can handle that. So your head hurts a bit. Aspirin! But why am I being such a dick?
Metaphorically? Because I LIKE SPICE!
Or was that rhetorical…? No? Ironic…?
…now MY head hurts…
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