IN THE CLEARING
By Tomas Soejakto
June 15th, 2007
She reached the edge of the cluster of trees and into the tear-shaped clearing on the hill, gloomy under the starry dome of night. There was no moon tonight but the spread of grass was shimmering with some silent light anyway. She could barely make out anything because the starry sky was actually brighter than the clearing before her, but there’s enough to recognize the figure of a lean man sitting quietly in the middle of the clearing, looking out into the ocean far ahead. She went for him with her bare feet grazing soft rustles beneath her. She felt as calm as night and light as air.
He had his dark grey parka spread out for him to sit on, and there was a space for her beside him, as if he knew all along she’d come down there for him. But of course she’d come, because they were the only two people there on that small, crescent-shaped island, stranded in each other’s consciousness for God knows how long now… They were trapped there willingly, and rejoiced in each other’s company, for they needed no other but themselves, at least until the time comes.
“What are you doing?” said the girl.
“Nothing.”
“Nothing? Then let me help you.”
“please do.”
She sat on the space of parka left for her and looked at the solemn face of the young man beside her. His face looked neither young or old, with thick, dark hair that seemed too heavy for the wind to blow. Some indescribable sadness hung on his expression all the time, yet she knew that that same face could light up and then he’d seem like the most carefree child in the world. She loved his face dearly.
He’d come here to rescue her without really knowing exactly how to get her out, but she thanked him nonetheless. She didn’t mind being stranded on the crescent island forever as long as he’s there too.
“The ocean is beautiful,” said the young man, “but there’s too much noise, so–”
“So you came here,” interrupted the girl. “I know. It’s getting to me too.”
The silence that followed was confusing but understandable. She knew he had so much that he wanted to tell her, because she felt exactly the same way. She couldn’t say all these things because, despite her supple and open nature, she’s still only a girl. But his reasons eluded her. This connection between them was evident and powerful, yet he concealed it beneath a thin surface of ice; always there but far away. Secrets. There’re secrets.
After some time (they literally had all the time in the world) the girl asked, “What are you thinking about?”
“I’m thinking about you,” said the man, his eyes still solemnly fixed forward on the dancing quicksilvers far away. Then he said, “What are you thinking about?”
“I’m thinking about you too.”
“I came here to take you back, but forgot that little thing called ‘how’. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be silly. I feel like we should set something straight before we could get to that part where you bravely carried me away on your valiant steed.” (They laughed) “This… ‘thing’…Do you know what it is?”
“I know what it is,” the man said. And then there was silence again. The girl was trembling with the wild beating of her own heart. The thin ice was on the verge of breaking, and she could barely contain herself knowing that the young man sitting next to her seemed to want to break the ice. And there’d finally be nothing left between us, the girl thought. She blushed with the idea, and couldn’t sit still.
“It’s so hard getting to you,” the man finally said, surprising her. “We’re sitting side by side but we’re also worlds apart. I can’t do this alone, you know. Nobody can reach another person on their own. The other person must do the same thing. If I cover half the distance to get to you, you should cover the other half.” He looked embarrassed by what he’d just said. Presently he confessed, “I feel like this is not something people should say to another… But I have to say it.”
“No it’s not,” said the girl, “but I think I know what you mean, only… there’s more to this…”
The man sighed and let out a snicker. “We’re being ‘deep’ here, you know.”
“Yeah,” said the girl, and they chuckled at the idea, and came to silence again.
Finally the man turned to look at her, reflections of quicksilvers danced in his troubled eyes. He said, “I won’t give up on you, that’s all I know I should do. I think I care for you too much to let go, even if it means I have to help you find… another… to make you happy. That’s my first half of the distance and I can’t seem to find away to go farther than that, for now…”
“Why?”
“We’re not that different, you and me. But we’re not that similar either. There’s lots of things that I’ll be willing to do to get to you, but there’s just as many that I won’t do. That’s where we’re stuck.”
“I think I can accept that.”
“I think you can’t. In time it’ll become a problem.”
She was getting agitated by his cynicism. “We’ll have problems. We’ll deal with it. You and me together. But don’t be like this. You’re not doing what you said you’d do. You’re giving up on me.”
“I’m not giving up on you. I just want you to be happy,” the man said plainly.
“Then take another step!” she said, barely restraining her drive to shout it into his thick skull.
He’s taken aback and looked deeply into her words. She’s right, of course. He was just scared out of his wits. She’s scared too, but she’s not willing to be scared all by herself.
The girl took his hand in hers and said. “Just one step at a time, okay? We’ll do it together.” And when she couldn’t think of a better way to convince him she said, “If you’re giving up on me, then I’m giving up on you too. As long as we do it together. Okay? Everything. Together!”
And then she curled her face into a frown, as if thinking of some difficult way to say the most difficult thing, but then she gave it up and instead said–with a glowing smile:
“I should very much liked to see you happy.”
He looked at her and smiled in return. “I should very much liked to see me happy too.”
She laughed at the joke, and he laughed at the joke. It was evident to her from the very beginning of their unique friendship that he was a greatly disturbed and unhappy person. In some weird way his heart was opened to her and she found many things in it spoken to her in silence. It was all felt but never said. He was always misunderstood and she misunderstood him perfectly.
They both exchanged meaningful looks and smiles, and they held each other’s hands all the more tighter. There was deep passion there, but more evident than that there was a great and soft love. The man laid back on his parka and the girl followed, and they laid down together and watched the stars winking and twinkling until dawn took over, meanwhile talking about all the things that they could talk about while they can still talk about them.
Because time is always on the move. And it’s not moving backwards.
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