PARADOX IS BLISS!

By Tomas Soejakto
June 19th, 2007

There is a whole world out there and he just started walking. He adored the night he was wandering in. The downpour had stopped abruptly, leaving a fresh scent in the air so intoxicating it stirred a sad smile on his face. The cold commanded him to light up and blow. He wandered ever forward because backward was left behind, trudging on an endless path of wet gravel…

Until that night he never paid attention to how hypnotizing the crunching sound of gravel under his feet can be. Crunch-crunch-crunch…

The cold night, the quality of the dark, the drowsy after-rain, tears tumbling off the tips of leaves, that lingering scent, and the crunch-crunch-crunch. It’s turned out to be the perfect combination to melancholy.

He was seeking something. You can’t walk without knowing where you should end up, even if you don’t exactly know the name of the place you’re going to. But you’re always walking, make no mistake about it. We all are. And he was walking to something.

Was it a mistake? he thought. Was it a mistake to give it away? Was it a mistake to just let it go and deal with what would come afterwards the best he could?

is it a mistake to do the right thing? Is kindness untrustworthy? Is willingness suspicious? Is to love condemned?

But in the end, he had lost it… Gave it to one who needed it more than him. Because it was the right thing. Because he saw no other way. Because he can’t be someone other than himself. Because otherwise he’d die.

No regrets. No thanks needed. But then again you don’t get thanks when you give something without being asked, or without them knowing it, because you live in a world of give and take. There will always be a question mark trailing behind when you give without taking, and it’s a question mark filled with sharp and jagged little question marks on its surface. Funny little bugger that haunts for meaning.

But knowing isn’t understanding, and he saw no point in answering when all you’d get is knowing. You can expect an answer but you can only keep it as an expectation, never absolution. Why? You’re not him.

And now he’s out wandering away bare-footed, looking for something. He didn’t mind the cold. He didn’t mind the dark. He didn’t mind the emptiness around him. Didn’t even mind the funny look people gave him when he slid past. They could see how unnatural he was, because he walked in and out of their lives without something every man should have. Occasionally they’d give him water to slake his thirst, then closed the door to let him back on his way. He was missing something and no one would stay long enough to find out why. Difference forced indifference.

What could he’d done but walk on?

He wasn’t looking to replace what he’d given away, for they were two completely different things, and each doesn’t even begin to compare to the other, though equally valuable.

He was looking for a round door in a world filled with square doors. It’s possible that there is no round door to begin with, but the idea of a round door kept his bare-footed steps on the wet gravel path, on a night so melancholic you could make a song out of it without even trying…

Crunch-crunch-crunch was all he could hear. You will hear it too when you’re him.